In recent years, we’ve seen huge strides in breaking the stigma surrounding men’s mental health, helping more men get the support they need to cope with life’s challenges in purposeful ways. However, one area that’s sometimes overlooked in these conversations is the impact a man’s mental health can have on their relationships.
One of the most common ways a mental health struggle manifests in men is that feeling of ‘pulling away’. Maybe it’s like your partner is there, but not really ‘there’. Maybe you’re starting to feel frustrated or burnt out from carrying your household or family without help. Maybe it feels impossible to really connect with your partner when he’s constantly losing himself in screens, substances, or sleep.
In this guide, we’re exploring this common obstacle, understanding some of the reasons men pull away, and offering practical tips for partners of struggling men.
Why Do Men Pull Away?
Despite all the great progress in normalizing mental health issues and treatment, men still face a lifetime of socialization to avoid seeming weak, vulnerable, or overly emotional. For many men, this means that difficult periods end up looking like silence, detachment, or a lack of connection with their partner.
Men pulling away is both troubling and frustrating for their partners. Not only does it feel like you’re getting shut out of helping the man you love, but also you know that things will just get worse the longer he stays disconnected from you, the world, and himself. It’s also easy to misread these behaviours as partners, confusing them for a lack of commitment, a loss of interest, or just indifference about the relationship.
In reality, this behaviour is most often linked to specific mental health concerns. These can vary, but may include depression, anxiety, severe grief, or prolonged stress. By understanding this isolating behaviour as the mental health concern that it is, you’ll not only be able to feel more secure and comfortable in the relationship, but also you’ll be taking the first steps to providing your partner with the support he needs.
Isolation: A Vicious Cycle
Isolating behaviours aren’t the only way a man’s mental health can affect his relationship. Often, it leads to a cascade of related issues for both the individuals and the relationship, such as:
- Emotional Shutdown: Depression and other long-term mental health struggles can be exhausting, especially when men don’t feel comfortable confiding their feelings in their partner. This can lead to increasing withdrawal, leaving you wondering how your partner is feeling and breaking down the trust, intimacy, and connection between you.
- Communication Issues: Many men struggle to express their emotions at the best of times. When you factor in the frustration and other relationship issues that come about in these situations, it sometimes feels easier for men to stop communicating at all.
- Further Relationship Problems: Ongoing mental health challenges can lead to men behaving in irritated or even angry ways. This, combined with a lack of understanding in the relationship, can escalate and compromise the partnership over time.
As you can see, withdrawal isn’t the only risk of these situations. The longer these issues go unchecked, the more detached and isolated your partner is likely to become.
The solution? Finding supportive, loving ways to address your partner’s stress, sadness, or numbness at the source.
How to Build a Stronger Relationship
No two relationships are the same, and what helps one couple reconnect may not work for another. With that in mind, there are a few core principles that can benefit virtually any partnership:
Encourage Vulnerability (And Lead by Example)
Men often struggle to be vulnerable about their feelings and deepest thoughts, even with their partners.
To help, try to encourage regular, open dialogues. One of the best ways to help make this an exchange is to lead by example. If your partner is having a hard time sharing, try getting the ball rolling by talking a bit about how you’re feeling. Just do your best to make sure the thoughts you share aren’t contributing to your partner’s guilt, stress, or sadness.
Strive for Empathy
Men struggling with their mental health may not act like it, but really, they’re looking for love, support, and empathy from their partner. Work to understand how their struggles affect their life and be as kind as you can when you discuss them—even when it’s frustrating.
Be Patient
Mental health struggles almost never pass quickly. Understand that helping your partner through this challenging period will take time, patience, and more than likely a few setbacks.
Learn About Your Partner’s Struggles
If you know your partner is dealing with something like depression or anxiety, do some research on your own to understand the symptoms and effects of these conditions. By understanding the struggles your partner is facing, you’ll find it easier to offer him the patience and support he needs.
Look for Help
There are countless ways that professional help can support men through tough times, but for many, it feels too daunting, vulnerable, or difficult to seek that help. If you think your partner would be receptive, consider doing a little research for him and suggesting mental health resources that may be useful. This can help make services like counselling, therapy, and other treatments more accessible.
If you’re looking for a counselling clinic designed specifically for the challenges that men face, The Shop Counselling can help. By creating a relaxed and non-judgmental space, men can explore more of their feelings, reconnect with themselves, and ultimately, feel more comfortable being open and vulnerable in their relationships.
Using practical strategies and proven solutions, we can help begin a new chapter for your partner and your relationship.
